Don't make out with my wife yet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
