perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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