I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
