please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
