Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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