I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
