my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
