I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i drank out of a bidet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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