textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
