If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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