If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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