She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
