I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
