he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
we're so committed to being not committed
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