did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize