Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
