I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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