My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
