I heard we made out
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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