I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
