In the future we'll all be gay
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
