3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
