I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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