you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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