Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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