Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
