Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
