You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
