I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
