I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
