I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
