its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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