you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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