____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
