I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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