just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
