Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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