This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
