party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
