I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
