Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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