Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
