That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
