Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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