Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
