Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
