You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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