If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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