whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
