Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
