Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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