alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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