the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
