Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
