Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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