You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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