Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
