got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
