My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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