Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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