I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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