Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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