You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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