Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
